DUBLIN DATES ON A FIVER

It’s a well known fact that the recession is just an excuse for corporations to lower your wages and make you work longer hours for them - but what if you're not a corporation? What if you're broke and have the ultimate expense, I’m not talking about a mortgage here - I’m talking about a girlfriend!

More expensive than a mortgage

THE MISSION:

Go on a Successful date for less than a fiver

THE DATE:

In the first of this infrequent series (due to it’s impossible to writeness) We’re going to go for the good old picnic.

Like my real life budget, I’m going to recommend spending 80% of it on booze, off to tesco for a €4 bottle of wine(or a blue wkd if she’s the classy type) couple this with a few slices of your mam’s bread and buy some cheese singles to tie it all together.

Total cost: A recession busting and somewhat poetic €4.99

The food of love

Before we continue, quick question: what does ‘recession buster’ actually mean? It’s being chucked around everywhere these days! Are they planning to put the recession out of business? Anyway, moving on! time is money.

Bring your date to Stephen’s Green, it’s predictable but still very effective. This is a fairly simple date, if you’re going all out lay your blanket down, otherwise just sit on the grass and enjoy your romantic date, safe in the knowledge that it cost fuck all.

Might have to up the budget a little to achieve this result

CAUTION:

Make sure you fill her up on wine as soon as you can for 2 reasons, 1 it’ll more likely lead to eventual sex(the goal of every date) and 2, most importantly, if she’s a little tipsy she might not realise how manky cheese singles really are!

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

There’s a reason why things are the best thing since sliced bread – because if it’s pre-sliced, you don’t have to bring a knife! Nothing says “homeless” more than a poor guy brandishing a weapon in a public place, couple that with the wine and your facing arrestation. Or you might forget the knife and try to rip the bread open – don’t. You’ll just end up with retarded sandwiches.

The guy said he was only having a picnic

FREE WITTY LINE TO SAY:

“Did you ever notice that having a picnic is just posh knacker drinking? You’re still just boozing in a field!”

Already done the picnic thing? Try these variations:

• Combine the picnic with a lap around the park, this will be ultra effective if you’re not that good looking and had to settle for a whale.
• Look ‘cute’ and ‘sensitive’ and feed the ducks with left over bread (ripping is acceptable in this scenario)
• If you’re a little on the wild side, hop over the fence at night and have a quiet one all alone. The good thing about the night time date is that might not lead to eventual sex, it might end in eventual sex! Especially if she’s the blue wkd type.

Enjoy your date! 

That's a pretty retarded sandwich you're trying to give me there!

P.S Don't cheap out on the cheese singles, If it doesn't specifically say the word "cheese" in it, there isn't enough cheese in it to call it a cheese single - watch out for it being simply called "singles" If pot noodles allegedly give you cancer - these definitely allegedly do!

P.P.S Using the word "allegedly" is basically a license to say whatever the fuck you want!