HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SECRETLY A LESBOT

Having a lesbo bird is often rated very highly on the awesome scale. But unfortunately, she probably won't look like a hollywood lesbian - e.g one that can pull off the bikini look. In reality, she's probably just using you because she isn't ready to come out yet, but how do you know if that's the case? here's a few handy pointers to watch out for.

studded underpants and muscles - very subtle

SHE DRIVES A PICK-UP TRUCK

Fairly obvious one here, there are two types of people in the world who drive pick-ups - serial killers and lesbians. Bearing in mind that 88% of all serial killers are men and the only major female killer was gay anyway, the odds are against you. 

Note The liberal use of denim clothes

SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS

It's a tough job being a writer

This image may seem counter productive to my "wearing a bikini" message above, But see that tattoo on her right shoulder? That’s 2 female symbols side by side – total lesbot.

on that note: watchout for rainbow and/or beaver tattoos aswell

Also, if you can't tell - I badly photoshopped that tattoo - the above girl is straight. This is what your girlfriend would actually look like:

I'm pretty sure that these are just gay men

SHE WANTS TO BRING YOU ON JERRY SPRINGER

What’s with all the American references? Trucks, Springer - I almost had one about her having a mullet but couldn’t find any* decent photos!

It's topics like this that make Springer the best show on TV

On a serious note, this tip is not to be confused with her wanting you to be on Maury – that probably means you’re not the father of her child and have to dance in public. Like this guy, who in all fairness to him, is a pretty good dancer.

 

OTHER OBVIOUS THINGS THAT WEREN'T ORIGINAL ENOUGH TO GET THEIR OWN HEADLINE

• She's Tory from Saved By The Bell

that is all.

Your Girlfriend

 *that's actually a lie, I genuinely couldn't decide which mullet photo to put up - so I found this video instead