TIME TRAVEL

You probably think writers are ultracool Bob Dylan look-alikes who spend their days smoking, going out with their model girlfriends and hanging out with their movie star buddies, well you couldn’t be more wrong. Deep down we’re all nerds. Nerds on the dole. But what if we could go back and change all that – what if time travel was possible – well, rather astonishingly, I might add – it is!! Here’s how...

Me

Well for a start, Fucking Eistein said you could do it in his theory of relativity, so if that doesn’t get you wet then I don’t know what does! (Sorry, my nerd side is coming back again) But here’s more proof that not only is time travel possible – it’s already been done! By you!

Hey baby, I just invented a nuclear bomb- wanna go on a date?

IT'S CALLED TIME DILATION

 

Basically, because time is relative to the speed of light, the closer to the speed of light you get (i.e. the faster you go) the slower time appears to be going. Obviously, we can’t get anywhere near the speed of light – but if you go really fast, say like in a space ship or even an aeroplane, you’ll still go slightly forward in time – i.e. your watch will tick an unnoticeable amount slower than someone else on the ground. Which technically means every time you fly to London or New York you are getting nanoseconds younger!

The fucking flux capacitor didn't even work! That guy on eBay is so gay!

Some Scientists even did a super high tech experiment to prove this - they slapped some ultra accurate clocks on a plane trip around the world and had them synchronised with more ultra accurate clocks on land. When the air clocks came back – they were 59 nanoseconds slower! Which meant they travelled 59 nanoseconds into the future!

What time travel looks like

 

Unfortunately that doesn’t mean shit in the real world because a nanosecond is literally 1 billionth of a second. Or as Wikipedia puts it: "One nanosecond is to one second as one second is to 31.7 years."

 

Wankers! Ruining everybody's the fun

But to end this article on some sort of a high - here’s a communist whose time travelling record is very slightly impressive!  A Russian Cosmonaut, Sergei Avdeyev, spent 748 days in space, travelling 17,000 mph and came back about 0.02 seconds into the future. Still though, 2 years for about the time it takes to blink still isn’t worth it.

The quest continues, but until then, here's a picture of Doc.

GREAT... oh

HOW TO START YOUR OWN MAFIA

Let’s face it, at some point in your life, most likely just now, you’ve seriously considered about being “The Don”, “The Capo Di Tutti Capi”, or just talk like some prick with an Italian accent.

Some prick with an Italian accent

Unfortunately, The only “family” I have are my parents – and they're divorced. There’s no way I’m asking my mom to join my mafia – she’ll probably think I’m gay... again. If I really wanted to start my own crime syndicate, I’d have to find the real deal. I took the most logical step and headed straight to the Italian Quarter near Jervis Street.

A haven for organized crime and expensive pasta

I spent about 20 minutes hanging around, suspiciously eying up anyone who looks remotely foreign, there’s quite a few of them, but one guy in particular caught my eye (It’s sentences like that that make my mom think I’m gay)

My Mom

 

I approached him, and it turned out that his name is Andrei and he’s Brazilian – close enough! I asked him if he had any ideas, He didn’t speak much English... But here’s what he came up with...

1. Get big strong friends to be your soldiers and under bosses, preferably with names like Vito, Luca or Guiseppe. You need about 5, minimum.
2. Make them take the “omerta” which basically means they won’t rat on you to the cops...or your mom. 
3. Set up protection rackets - which means go into a shop and make them pay you every so often to protect the premises – from you. 
4. Prostitution...  

You work for me now, capiche?

  

 

Andrei went into great detail about how to kidnap girls and get them on drugs to keep them in control, I must point out, it was at this moment I began to worry for my safety. And I’m not even a prostitute...or a girl!

5. "And of course, you’ll want to get into Drugs, gambling and murder.” 

Number 5 is literally a quote. And there was no joking about it! he said it calmly, then stared at me blankly for a while. I nodded, thanked him and nearly wet my pants. All I wanted to do was wear a cool hat.

Me

NURSERY RYHMES

I remember a good while back when stupid bitch parents complained about the tellytubbies not making any sense and how it affected the child’s learning... Total bullshit by the way, because I bet those same parents sung this fucked up shit to their babies:

Hey diddle diddle,

The cat and the fiddle,

The cow jumped over the moon,

The little dog laughed to see such sport,

And the dish ran away with the spoon

Does that dog type silhouette thing have 5 feet!?

Seriously – what the fuck!? I’ve been thinking about the imaginatively titled “Hey Diddle Diddle” for a solid 20 minutes now, and the only thing I’m certain of about it, is that with words as fucked up as them – you don’t need an imaginative title! Also related to the above picture - which direction is the dish running - and how do you know he doesn't have a face on both sides?

In this version the cow doesn't get all the way over

But it’s not just the crazy ramblings you might hear coming from a crazy rambler – what about the nursery rhymes that have a sinister meaning – at this point, I’d like to mention that I’m sure 90% of the 2 people read who read my blog will be rolling their eyes right now because they think I’m going to talk about ring a ring a rosies and how it’s about the black plague.

Guess which kid is going to end up in a horror movie?

I’m not talking about that – I’m talking about the ones that are way less subtle – let’s face it, no kid would ever cop on that “ring a ring a rosies” was about the plague – not until they're Stephen hawking or old enough to look it up on Wikipedia. I’m talking about rhymes like this:

Jack and Jill went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

And Jill came tumbling after.

As seen on Failblog

Let’s spend 3 seconds looking into this, the first 2 lines, fairly straight-forward, suddenly it all goes crazy as Jack falls randomly, then literally broke his head, followed by Jill presumably trying to kill herself in the exact same way. Shocking.

Hawking tries to emulate the Cow from Hey Diddle Diddle

Finally here’s another one:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the kings horses and all the kings men

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

The dude falls and shatters everything so bad that nobody can set him straight again – not even the King’s horses, who were well known to of loved art attack growing up

Shut up and hand me the PVA glue.

And to finish off – Question of the Day

Where the fuck does it say anywhere, at all – that Humpty Dumpty was an egg!?

Dude!? what the fuck!?

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SECRETLY A LESBOT

Having a lesbo bird is often rated very highly on the awesome scale. But unfortunately, she probably won't look like a hollywood lesbian - e.g one that can pull off the bikini look. In reality, she's probably just using you because she isn't ready to come out yet, but how do you know if that's the case? here's a few handy pointers to watch out for.

studded underpants and muscles - very subtle

SHE DRIVES A PICK-UP TRUCK

Fairly obvious one here, there are two types of people in the world who drive pick-ups - serial killers and lesbians. Bearing in mind that 88% of all serial killers are men and the only major female killer was gay anyway, the odds are against you. 

Note The liberal use of denim clothes

SHE LOOKS LIKE THIS

It's a tough job being a writer

This image may seem counter productive to my "wearing a bikini" message above, But see that tattoo on her right shoulder? That’s 2 female symbols side by side – total lesbot.

on that note: watchout for rainbow and/or beaver tattoos aswell

Also, if you can't tell - I badly photoshopped that tattoo - the above girl is straight. This is what your girlfriend would actually look like:

I'm pretty sure that these are just gay men

SHE WANTS TO BRING YOU ON JERRY SPRINGER

What’s with all the American references? Trucks, Springer - I almost had one about her having a mullet but couldn’t find any* decent photos!

It's topics like this that make Springer the best show on TV

On a serious note, this tip is not to be confused with her wanting you to be on Maury – that probably means you’re not the father of her child and have to dance in public. Like this guy, who in all fairness to him, is a pretty good dancer.

 

OTHER OBVIOUS THINGS THAT WEREN'T ORIGINAL ENOUGH TO GET THEIR OWN HEADLINE

• She's Tory from Saved By The Bell

that is all.

Your Girlfriend

 *that's actually a lie, I genuinely couldn't decide which mullet photo to put up - so I found this video instead

 

DUBLIN DATES ON A FIVER

It’s a well known fact that the recession is just an excuse for corporations to lower your wages and make you work longer hours for them - but what if you're not a corporation? What if you're broke and have the ultimate expense, I’m not talking about a mortgage here - I’m talking about a girlfriend!

More expensive than a mortgage

THE MISSION:

Go on a Successful date for less than a fiver

THE DATE:

In the first of this infrequent series (due to it’s impossible to writeness) We’re going to go for the good old picnic.

Like my real life budget, I’m going to recommend spending 80% of it on booze, off to tesco for a €4 bottle of wine(or a blue wkd if she’s the classy type) couple this with a few slices of your mam’s bread and buy some cheese singles to tie it all together.

Total cost: A recession busting and somewhat poetic €4.99

The food of love

Before we continue, quick question: what does ‘recession buster’ actually mean? It’s being chucked around everywhere these days! Are they planning to put the recession out of business? Anyway, moving on! time is money.

Bring your date to Stephen’s Green, it’s predictable but still very effective. This is a fairly simple date, if you’re going all out lay your blanket down, otherwise just sit on the grass and enjoy your romantic date, safe in the knowledge that it cost fuck all.

Might have to up the budget a little to achieve this result

CAUTION:

Make sure you fill her up on wine as soon as you can for 2 reasons, 1 it’ll more likely lead to eventual sex(the goal of every date) and 2, most importantly, if she’s a little tipsy she might not realise how manky cheese singles really are!

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:

There’s a reason why things are the best thing since sliced bread – because if it’s pre-sliced, you don’t have to bring a knife! Nothing says “homeless” more than a poor guy brandishing a weapon in a public place, couple that with the wine and your facing arrestation. Or you might forget the knife and try to rip the bread open – don’t. You’ll just end up with retarded sandwiches.

The guy said he was only having a picnic

FREE WITTY LINE TO SAY:

“Did you ever notice that having a picnic is just posh knacker drinking? You’re still just boozing in a field!”

Already done the picnic thing? Try these variations:

• Combine the picnic with a lap around the park, this will be ultra effective if you’re not that good looking and had to settle for a whale.
• Look ‘cute’ and ‘sensitive’ and feed the ducks with left over bread (ripping is acceptable in this scenario)
• If you’re a little on the wild side, hop over the fence at night and have a quiet one all alone. The good thing about the night time date is that might not lead to eventual sex, it might end in eventual sex! Especially if she’s the blue wkd type.

Enjoy your date! 

That's a pretty retarded sandwich you're trying to give me there!

P.S Don't cheap out on the cheese singles, If it doesn't specifically say the word "cheese" in it, there isn't enough cheese in it to call it a cheese single - watch out for it being simply called "singles" If pot noodles allegedly give you cancer - these definitely allegedly do!

P.P.S Using the word "allegedly" is basically a license to say whatever the fuck you want!

DODGY SHIT YOU FORGOT HAPPENED IN SAVED BY THE BELL

Before I begin, everyone knows about Zack Attack and Jessie’s chronic addiction to caffeine pills – if you want them, just check youtube. But what about the shit you forgot?

Like when:

MR. BELDING TRIED TO SET UP HIS NIECE ON A DATE WITH ZACK MORRIS

There are tonnes of things wrong with this – and that’s looking past the fact that Belding definitely knew that Zack was already “going steady” with Kelly. Why would you possibly want anyone related to you going on a date with this guy?

Some fans go too far

He was a notorious womanizer, whenever a new girl showed up in school, Zack would do the honourable thing and forget about Kelly for 30 commercial minutes, bone the new girl (or take her to the Max as it were) who in turn was obviously so ashamed about being used like that would never be seen again.

Luckily, this particular episode had a happy ending – He got screech to dress up as him and take her on a date in his place. Needless to say, she was never seen again.

ZACK WAS ACTUALLY AN INDIAN

I don’t think I have to explain this one too much – he basically came in to school wearing full on Native American gear for about 2 days and it was never mentioned again... possibly after he boned the headdress.

If you think this is cool - you should see my cellphone!

KELLY HAD AN AFFAIR

Zack and Kelly had just gotten together – for the first time. Then just a few episodes later, she was working her job in the max and had an affair with the hunk of a guy that was her boss – this lasted about 2 more episodes until he cheated on her! Kelly came crawling back and he was never seen again.

Cheating Whore

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

• Jessie’s ancestors were slave traders
• Zack boned (or took them to the movies as it were) practically every supporting character in the show and even all the other main female characters, which also happened to be his best friends love interests – Jessie, Kelly and even Lisa! Most of these were never seen again. In fact even Jesse and Kelly left for half a season!
• They all ended up going to different colleges but somehow met up again in The College Years
• Zack spent his summer boning an entire beach club. None of this was ever mentioned again
• Zack was an equal opportunity womanizer – he went with a fat girl, a female wrestler, a biker chick, a homeless girl and even a wheelchair person!

Just for fun, here’s Jessie falling in love with what seems to be a cross between John Cusack and a serial killer.
Skip to 5.08!